ATAullah's thingy

Confidence and more self confidence erupted before the sleep took over yester night .the sleep had dreams or rather nightmares of the mildest nature and then I realized oh! This is what they call nightmares. I had visions of me waking up late for the practical exam. I had visions which I don not even remember .I had visions that I was screwing my life up. I had visions of me crying. I had visions of me desperate to make an effort not to get scared. And I did not take the cue form the very visions I had that today is gonna be the hell which u just visited.

I had a practical examination of web programming today and to give u the gist in just three good words, I SCREWED UP! I had made my arrangements and plans to do everything I cud to fill in the sheets with ink and that went so smooth until I started thinking about others. The weakness and the strength I possess have just been narrated to u. I think about others and then what happens? I get screwed up! I had arranged for the USB to put in all the answers in the computer and then stare and copy was the order. I was the copying king. And little did I know that a card called jack ass was still to be played on me. I was merrily writing my sheets and then assholeness struck me. I went up to check on how others were progressing and then kunal says hey! Ata! Call kiran fast. I said okay and then proceeded towards kiran and in between I see kaleem making merry with his sheets. I peeked into his and then the Bitch of an external saw me. (If I can make names sting to me then why not her?)

She said or rather ordered “have you finished executing?”

I said in a sheepishly tone “No.”

“Alright no problem come give me your viva”

“No ma’am I gotta get it signed from sir” in an even scared and trembling tone as if knowing fully what was coming.

“It doesn’t matter if you got it signed or not, you can do it afterwards also, first come and gimme the viva”erupted strongly from her very shrewd face.

I followed the tune she played, I followed the lead, and I followed the path to misery.

I blurted out my Hall ticket with full confidence and style knowing fully well that it would make no real difference. The difference was caused by Hussain’s glares which I had in my shirt pocket. She thought I was some Rowdy little guy trying to act smart and then I got it.

Did u ever experience the situation where an invisible force pulls your shoulders up and Ur legs down but no real physical difference is being made ‘cause you still remain lean?

Needless to say, I did!

First question: what are the various scripting languages?

Answer: sorry ma’am I do not know.

Reply by the external: you do not know that? Then how are you writing this exam!

Reply by me: okay, I am sorry I got confused with a lot of stuff, I said smiling and unconvincingly. I blurted out something which did not make sense but half of it did and I see a dot in her book which means correct.

Questions followed and I faltered at every step she asked me to take. Taking my chance I asked her please ma’am could you ask me something form HTML. I did not study VB script.

“Then why did you come to the exam hall” she said like that was the last thing I wanted to hear but she took her chance too. She asked me something from HTML. Couple of them were thrown at me and I caught the last one. Making her even more sure that the first guy she faces would be dumb. I got up after unsuccessful persuasion to ask me another set of questions.

If this was not enough, I get a minus ten for my leaving my paper and then talking Kunal . I try to smile and impress her but everything fails and then I resort to using techniques to ask everyone of the staff to erase the minus ten and one gave me a sigh of relief when he said it will be done ,don’t worry we wont let it happen .

I gave scowls and fuck you signs to everyone who laughed about the incident and especially to kunal. You deserve this ..!..

Anyways life is good. I will do better and create a different impression that the external has never seen. I will lick the entire syllabus that’s there for it. I have Tally tomorrow and if I don’t do well in that one too. I am gonna spit in the air until gravity plays its part and throws it back to me and then I will write a blog on how she laughed at me for being an ass of a person . Yes ! i have my moments too .

disclaimer : I do not wish to Title this post . I do not take responsibilities for whatever is written down below cause those words are not mine . i do not wanna get into any mess and i have no intentions to harm any sentiments . i am just projecting these thoughts and words of Taslima Nasreen 'cause they were very beautifully written and i looked at it from a very different point of view, a view which a loner or someone in pain goes through . i only wish u understand what i am trying to tell here . lastly i have not read her writings nor do i support her. all i have read of her is that of below .

" I am such an offender and enemy of humanity
I am such an unpatriotic betrayer
I don't have a country that i can call mine ....
.... I told the truth therefore today i am a traitor
you walk shoulder to shoulder with liars
but i am the person who is the traitor "

" I live in a house which has a closed window
a window that i cant even open if i want to ...
.....i stay in a house where i don't want to stay
but i am forced to stay there
in pain , in breathlessness , I'm being forced to live
by this democracy
in a room day after day by the democracy
in a dark room full of uncertainties and fear
in a room i am being killed every moment by secularism
I have been imprisoned in a room by my dearest India
which is full of extremely busy people , where i doubt
that if they even have a couple of seconds to look at a human being like a human being ...

..maybe one day with the flag of democracy
wrapped around me , in my dearest India ,
someone will put me in a grave ,
a government officer he will be i guess .. "

Exams closing in and all I do is sit in front of the system and watch movies of sheer class. Movies like the god father and schindler’s list are incomparable. The other sex says “what is it with godfather and men” and we reply with a love even more than that of the reply saying “we just love it”. Got the opportunity to see halla bol starring ajay devagan and shit man! What a movie, even though I sometimes feel that producers are using the very concept of patriotism and the regeneration of India theme to attract possible customers. But I pity the producers. I feel bad that the movie has not done well. The movie had a theme, an inspiration capable of shaking the country to its roots and pleading and demanding the people to look into themselves and answer ‘ARE WE MAN ENOUGH!’

“Chot lage to jaanwar bhi rota hai…

Insaan WO hai Jo doosro ki chot mehsoos kar sake...”

The movie has had its effect on me. I get down on roads, though reluctantly, when there is a traffic mess and try to make wheel flow smoother. I did that couple of times now. The first time I tried doing it, a feeling of let-it-be-man erupted. I wanted to be the change and cause the change but my body was scared, the mind was scared. what ultimately that I did not get down from my bike and then sped away through very small spaces. Felt like I was hiding my face and to make it worse my thoughts demanded me to go back and be the cause in the matter. I still had my hand speeding the bike. But today, I changed. I got down twice! Oh yeah, Hyderabad’s traffic is getting worse. I am no traffic manager but I do not jus want to curse someone.

Deep down inside me I know I have to admit it ‘I am the traffic jam’

During these times of my absence from here I felt I was going through a transitional phase, a gradation which had to come very early but some things are better when they arrive late because the excitement increases. Like we, in Hyderabad have our own standard time. We say five minutes but we are miles away calculating half an hour or so. Somehow I feel politicians take their training from Hyderabad.

I wanna get into public administration and public services. I wanna follow what my heart wants and for the first time in my life I know what I want and this is what I want and I will have what I want at any cost be it monetary or non monetary . This is my oath to myself to keep reminding me if I bow down to the demands of people I am close to. I know I won’t but I always have a back up.

Sometimes I think what will happen if I want to become a politician? Will I be the one who are running the country right now? Will I be the one who follow the rule of shutting down shops if they feel injustice has been done? Will I be the one who takes and gives bribes? And every time I think that I tell myself a single word ‘NO!’And sometimes I wonder do I really wanna be a politician and pat comes the answer, NO!

I feel I have matured enough to think about issues concerning the state at large and act towards it. I feel the moment is right and I know what I want to do.