Almost is what it has become
Relationships I have been in seem to have 'almost' glued on it. where ever I go , whoever I be with , whatever I do , the 'almost' never goes away . It never wears off. How I wish I would be ‘complete’. How I wish I would be associated with completeness. How I wish things would just be complete.
Friends I have taken an oath to die along, have been mocking this infamous ability of mine to leave things on an almost note, always , and I cannot help but grin and crib on the inside. It hurts when I am not completing stuff. It hurts even more when the almost relationship gets pulled and lost into completeness with some other complete person.
There have been instances when I am in a relationship and come out of it, get into it once again, come out of it again. The sequence continuing and dwelling itself into an almost state, state which only tends to instigate fear and hostility. Such an almost state has always been despised and yet has been stuck to me like a spell.I would lose this jinx only when I am constantly getting the complete in place of an almost.
There have also been instances when I get into a relationship with a almost printed on it since the very beginning and I keep looking at it and wait for it to spell complete .In such a relationship is that you never can figure out what is happening . You are always under uncertainties of truth and uncertain is how u move and uncertain is how you love.
I have long started to feel suicidal because everything I want does not come to me, everything I want does not want me. The feeling grows larger when everything I tried to work for ended up not being mine and things I do not work for become mine and stick to me forever. Sometimes I wonder how things are left at almost with me, analyzing does not help a bit and neither killing my thoughts .
All my life, I have lived for the other.
All my life, I have lived for me.
All my life, I keep being upset about the almost.
All my life, this will go on and on.
And,
All my life, will I be writing posts after posts about my fates here?
All my life, will I be telling you my miseries?
All my life, would I be writing uninteresting long tales about myself?
No,
All my life, I will be pondering on my mistakes and healing them.
All my life, I will be healing the almost and
All my life, I will be writing in this very place.
All my life, I will be me.
All my life, I will be with you.
All my life, I will feel you .
All my life , I will be mine .
All my life, I will be in thought.
And then,
My life will be all.
20 March 2008 at 7:15 pm
ive had a constant "almost" in life n now im wondering y did it neva trouble me! or come to think of it, prolly n almost has been at d root of all issues!
27 March 2008 at 3:39 pm
I guess at times it the phase where nothing seems to be going the way we want. It can be pretty challenging and frustrating.
I guess at times as we lay back awhile, take a deep breath. Everything will grasp us in a surprising way giving us what we realise is more than what we want.
A great expressive post Ataullah. Great stuff.
CheerS!:)
30 March 2008 at 11:53 pm
@ Gunj
may be we had no idea that , that was it that was troubling .
30 March 2008 at 11:54 pm
@ sweetstickychewy
what better way to give a conclusion to my post . :)
thanks :)
31 March 2008 at 8:28 am
OOppss.. looks like it's the same shit everywhere.. meaning, you ain't alone y'know. So just go with the flow.
31 March 2008 at 11:27 am
it's really "almost' rare to find something to read and relate to especially for me;being a selective reader ! i guess we've all had out share of being at the almost stage of life, some moved onto complete and some still stuck in the almost phase!
i guess its all about time. but that's where we go wrong. We fret over 'almost' not doing anything to be complete.we think we're almost done but boom! we're back where we were before not becoming and letting us complete.
there's anohter way to look at it, which is the way i do, maybe we are complete but we dont know that, because there's always something else left incomplete and we don't give much importance to that part of us which is complete. you know like that saying ' when one door of happiness shuts, a 100 other doors open but we're always staring at and brooding over the one door which has shut'. the same goes with almost and complete!
i really loved what you wrote escply the poem!
31 March 2008 at 9:18 pm
@ J
long time bro !
missed seeing a 'J' :)
i know , and i thought i was god gifted .
31 March 2008 at 9:36 pm
@ Deeksha
Exactly,there have been some things that have become complete but the other almost(s) have been dealt with negligence and I know I am to be blamed for it .
And i love the way you say it "Maybe we are complete but we dont know that"
I totally agree with the view not that I did not at the point of putting it down but all I wanted to do was to bring out the darker side of it .
There will always be a dark and a bright shade to everything and I really love the brighter side but I love to sketch the darkness. It helps . The darker I get the brighter I become . I know its insane but thats how i function :)
1 April 2008 at 10:13 am
that's precisely how humans function ata!!!
1 April 2008 at 10:59 am
lol :P oops , okay !
2 April 2008 at 12:49 pm
heyaa
well all ill say is this is life
u face ups n downs
but u gota live with them
i guess these things add spice to ur lives else life will the the same old vicious cycle of events
the fact that ur writing all this stuff would help u in ur healing process
cheers
2 April 2008 at 2:10 pm
i know ! life sure is fun ;)
not to forget 'almost' :)
thanks for dropping by . :D
16 May 2008 at 12:22 am
introspecting-soul-searching major eh? hmm, i like the way your thoughts are so structured, so precise.. hmm, very expressive, yes.
:)
there are somethings in life, better left un-contemplated on. it is not shying away from the truth or anything like it, tis just avoiding unnecessary complications. more like, go with the flow..but knw whr you're headed sorta thing.
nyway.. thanks for droppin by my blog!
7 June 2008 at 11:44 pm
thank you , the comment really meant a lot .
but you know its like everythign is all good on paper and in theory when you talk of practicality you deal with stupidness and thats what i ahve become , well sorta :P