ATAullah's thingy

Whenever I try to get myself not to think about what has happened with me in the past or whatever I have done with myself , with others , I end up doing just the opposite . I cannot help it. My future hangs like a pendulum in mid air, innocence shining off it and a delicate push could deliver multiple oscillations. My life is kinda the same. The future is as violent and unpredictable as the oscillations. The steadiness of it is the present I live in. I wish not to be like this. Sometimes I wish someone would calculate my moves, someone would know just when I would stop oscillating. I wish everything would stop, I wish I would stop. I am sick of oscillating. I am sick of everything. I am not a sadist.

The past I talk about is very glorious and yet painful when I talk about it. I am still unsure if writing here is the right thing to do. If I see it through my eyes , I see myself passing through hell and when I see it from others eyes , I see myself passing through oh-what-a-life-he-has-had expression . But whenever I talk about it, there is always a mixed reaction. I feel happy and yet sad. I loved my school and I loved my school life too. But I hated it then too. I still have the same thing for it.

My thoughts are of extremes, my ideas believe in them, and my life is a product of it. By extremism I mean, my thoughts are poles apart. It’s like they have a life of their own going wherever they want to. The same goes for my music. I listen to some very soothing pop numbers and sometimes I listen to very hard metal beats and head band to glory. This trait of mine gets to people too, sometimes I behave so well with them and sometimes I make a mockery of the relationship I share with them.

I am person of extremes. I wish to remain this way. I wish to be myself.

I wish not to be controlled. I wish to oscillate.

I wish to be alone but have someone to be with.

I wish I can sleep. I wish I can be alive and write all through my life.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I knew what u want.

I wish I am not this vague. I wish I can tell everything.

I wish to be me. I wish to be an extremist.